Newsnight laffs (highly untopical)

I've said it before, and after the colon I'll say it again: the BBC Newsnight newsletter is a gem! By this I don't mean that it is a crystal that can be found in natural clusters, but rather that is excellent but unknown as such. Apart from the expected run-down of what's going to be on that night's edition of the current affairs show [which arguably is the only good one the BBC still has on terrestrial television, with the obvious exception of HIGNFY], it has Funny Stuff sent in be loving readers. And it's invariably brilliant, though rarely funny. Inspiring. Anyway, today's contribution is bloggable, so here it is: [Thanks David Noble! Whoever you are!] A magazine recently ran a "Dilbert quotes" contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. Here are the top ten finalists: 1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks." 2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter." 3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business." 4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it." 5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule." 6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them." 7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say." 8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." 9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees." 10. "One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"